just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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