So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
