I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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