my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
