I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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