I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
