Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
