Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
