Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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