I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
