the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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