He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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