I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
