im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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