You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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