Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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