I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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