Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
