If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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