***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
