News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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