4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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