Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
