he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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