Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
