a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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