you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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