After last night, I could never be a politician.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i would one night stand the shit outta him
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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