When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
