I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Ladies don't puke and tell
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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