I can tuck mytits in my pants
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
