I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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