When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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