Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
