My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
