Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
