phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
