I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize