Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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