I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Randomize
