if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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