I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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