My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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