i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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