Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
