How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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