Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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