Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize