half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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