I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
