Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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