Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i dont even know how to be here
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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