I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Two words: nipple clamps
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