Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
