I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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