We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize