Do you still have your period?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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