Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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