My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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