Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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