why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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