i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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