dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize