I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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