someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
