my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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