So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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