I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
